


until I'm completely broken in

by acetheticallyy (jacquesdernier)



Category: Band of Brothers
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Asexual Character, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-04-08 05:27:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4292445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jacquesdernier/pseuds/acetheticallyy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the age of thirteen, Eugene Roe was under the impression that sex was just a big joke that everyone was in on and that one day someone would jump out at him with a “just kidding!” and he’d be able to continue on with his life in peace. But he was only thirteen, after all, maybe he just needed time to grow into the idea.</p>
            </blockquote>





	until I'm completely broken in

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. title taken from matchbox 20's song "bent" bc I can't help myself when it comes to using matchbox 20 for all my angst-filled needs
> 
> 2\. not yet edited bc I finished this last night and was too excited to wait
> 
> 3\. as usual, no disrespect is meant and this fic is based purely on the actors' portrayals in the miniseries

At the age of thirteen, Eugene Roe was under the impression that sex was just a big joke that everyone was in on and that one day someone would jump out at him with a “just kidding!” and he would be able to continue on with his life in peace. But he was only thirteen, after all, maybe he just needed time to grow into the idea. He was too young to be thinking about those things anyway. And besides, he had algebra to solve.

At the age of twenty, when Eugene was in his second year of college and all his friends had asked him at least twice (sometimes more than that) for some of the free condoms they kept at the clinic he interned for, he began to worry. Given that his friends seemed to have no boundaries, not even when it came to what happened behind their bedroom doors, he had heard, sometimes in great detail, plenty of stories. And the way they told it, it made sense. The way they explained it, Gene could see the appeal sex might have. But when he tried to picture himself in the same position, he cringed.

He had ever dated though, he reasoned, had never met someone he liked enough to do that with. As busy as he was, with all his classes and his internship, he hadn’t had a lot of time to meet anyone. And he was only twenty, after all. He had plenty of time to meet someone and fall in love and maybe, finally, feel normal.

* * *

It is a cold November night in Philadelphia and Eugene is walking across campus, trying to study his anatomy notes one last time before his big test tomorrow, when he bumps into a skinny little redhead trying to juggle six cups of coffee. Fortunately, the collision only has two casualties: one cup of what smells like French vanilla, and Eugene's old scarf.

"Jesus, I'm sorry," the redhead says, immediately setting the other cups on the ground and pulling  a napkin from his pocket to try and dab at the mess on Gene's scarf. "Fuckin' Bill texted me to see if I could pick up some coffee for everyone and didn't think that maybe he could offer me some help carryin' the six goddamn lattes he ordered back to the dorm."

He keeps going, but Gene picks up on the name Bill, remembers his own friend Bill Guarnere telling a lot of stories about some redheaded punk friend of his. Eugene thinks he looks a little familiar even, like maybe he's seen him once or twice, entering Bill's dorm as he walks past to his own. He doesn't know the guy's name, though, has never talked to him, because he is more Bill's friend than Eugene's.

He decides to bring it up, cuts off the redhead mid sentence and asks "Bill? Bill Guarnere?"

The other boy looks up and seems to realize he has been wiping at Eugene's scarf this whole time and swallows, a small blush coloring his cheeks. "Yeah, he's a friend of mine. Real jackass, too, you know him?"

"Lives in the dorm next to mine," Gene answers. "I know him."

"Hey, you're Eugene! The doctor! I'm Babe." The guy, Babe, sticks out his hand for Eugene to shake.

Eugene grasps Babe's hand in his, feeling the warmth of it radiate through both of their gloves, and he almost forgets to let go after he gives it one firm shake. "Ain't a doctor yet, still got a few years. Babe your real name?"

"Technically speaking, it's Edward," he answers, "but I haven't been called Edward since my ma wrote it on my birth certificate."

Right. Of course. Eugene  _so_ isn't calling him Babe. Ever.

"So Edward," Eugene says, lifting the corner of his mouth in a smirk when Babe hears his given name and rolls his eyes a little. "You need help carryin' the rest of that?" He points to the coffee cups sitting on the ground. "I'm goin' the same way."

Babe looks down at the coffee as if suddenly remembering. "Ah, Jesus. Actually, you wouldn't mind going back by the shop with me, would ya? If I don't show up with exactly six lattes I'll get locked out. " Eugene is silent for a moment, wondering why anyone would ask him to go get coffee at eleven o'clock at night, even considering the circumstances. Babe seems to take his hesitation for reluctance and says "I'll even buy you a coffee, make up for your scarf. It's Bill's money, so I don't mind."

Eugene wants to tell him that it's okay, he doesn't really like the scarf anyway, but he is afraid that Babe will take it as a rejection of his offer and despite the fact that he has a test in nine hours, he finds that he really does want to get coffee with this boy. He nods. "Sure. Sounds great."

* * *

They end up at the small twenty-four hour place on campus and while they wait for their coffees (one French vanilla and one plain black for Gene), they sit at one of the small tables in the corner. Gene glances at his watch. The time shows eleven fifteen. He knows he will probably regret this in the morning, especially once he's seated in his anatomy class with a scantron in front of him, but at the very least the coffee will give him a big enough boost to do some more studying. He could manage.

"Well you are a real doctor, aren't you?" Babe asks once they're seated. "Dark roast, no cream, no sugar. Training for when you gotta be on call?"

Eugene laughs a little at that, says, "guess so," and then their coffee appears on the little counter next to the register. He moves to get up, but Babe throws him a "hold on" and retrieves the  coffee for them both before returning to the table. Gene lifts one eyebrow in question.

"Bill makes me do stupid shit for him all the time," Babe explains. "I gotta say, I'm not too worried about makin' him wait. Unless you have to go?"

Thoughts of his upcoming anatomy test are lurking in his brain, but Eugene finds that he really doesn't care. He looks at Babe, sitting across from him, and decides that there isn't really any harm in talking to him a while longer. He'd been studying for the past six hours and at this point if he isn't ready then he won't ever be ready. So he'll be a little tired in the morning, it's nothing a bit of coffee won't fix. Besides, he thinks, it'll be more practice for when he's on call.

So Gene looks across the table at Babe, takes in the small smile playing on his mouth, and says "no. Don't have anywhere to be."

* * *

They leave the coffeeshop at twelve forty-two am, when Babe receives his twelfth text from Bill asking where the hell his coffee is. Eugene thinks he has never been more in love.

Their time spent at the coffee place was awkward at first, to say the least, but after a few minutes of idle chatter Babe seemed to catch a very severe case of the giggles and for the next hour and a half the silence was replaced with several rounds of "did you ever hear about the time when Bill..." Eugene didn't talk much, was content with listening, and Babe didn't seem to mind his lack of response.

And in that one hour, Gene couldn't help but wonder why the hell he had never said more to the redhead than a passing greeting in the hall. He found that he didn't really care what Babe was talking about, that he just liked the sound of his voice. He liked that he could tell when Babe was about to laugh by the way his breathing hitched in the middle of a word. He liked how Babe's South Philly accent became thicker when he was excited, the was his eyes got brighter and he couldn't stop moving his hands. Gene had only spent a little over an hour with him and he was already so gone on him he was planning ways to bump into him more often.

They are halfway back to the dorms when Eugene realizes that Babe is still very much talking with his hands and they had left the coffee back at the cafe.

"Edward?"

Babe pauses in his story to shoot a glare in Eugene's direction. "Gene, honestly, I think you're a good guy, but for god's sake would it kill ya to call me Babe?" And he's probably only so adamant about it because Eugene had spent the better portion of the night calling Babe by his given name just to see the way his nose wrinkled when he got annoyed. There was definitely no way he would be calling Babe anything but Edward for the forseeable future.

"It probably would, Edward," Gene answers, taking great pleasure in the way Babe slightly narrows his eyes at him. "You left the coffee."

Babe seems unconcerned by this and just gives a small shrug. "I noticed about ten minutes ago, decided it wasn't worth it. We've been back and forth enough times and Bill probably wouldn't actually lock me out of the dorm."

Gene doesn't know why he says it, figures he should probably blame the coffee, but he replies with "well if he does, I'm just next door."

* * *

Babe does not get locked out and he is only slightly disappointed by this. For a minute he seriously considers showing up at Gene's room next door anyway and pretending, but the guys have already given him enough shit about his "date with the doctor" and he'd really like to avoid the jokes that would no doubt be told at his expense if he went to Eugene's dorm at one in the morning. Still, he thinks, it's a hard decision to make.

The minute he steps into the dorm, he knows he's screwed. But he didn't know for what reasons. Babe figured that the guys would be pissed about not getting their coffee, figured Bill would be annoyed that Babe wasted his money but instead what he go was this: Bill, Toye, Luz, Malarkey, Muck, and Penkala all staring at him with shit eating grins the minute he opens the door and oh  _shit, there is no way they found out that fast._

Instead of giving himself away he asks "what the hell's wrong with you guys," trying as hard as possible to look nonchalant while he shucks off his coat and moves to his side of the room to untie his shoes.

"Babe, please," Bill says, "we saw you walking up here with the doc."

"Were watching you two for about fifteen minutes," Luz adds. "You looked pretty excited."

"Yeah, well, we were talkin'," Babe responds. "That a crime?"

Toye snorts. "Babe we sent you out for coffee at ten fifty-three. You came back at one am giggling like a school girl with Eugene practically on your arm."

Babe doesn't really know what to say to that, knows that any protests he could make-- _I was buyin' him coffee because I fucked up his scarf and we got to talking and just lost track of time_ okay--would only be turned into more support for the idea that Babe had been on a date. Which he wasn't. He only wishes that he had been on a date.

He concedes that it had started out a little weird. Given that the whole thing was very impromptu, he shouldn't have been surprised. Babe had just remembered hearing good things about Eugene from Bill and the rest of the guys and decided that so long as they were both up at eleven o'clock at night at the coffee house he could take some time to actually get to know the guy. And, okay, Babe had seen him around campus a few times and Gene always smiled and said hello and maybe Babe thought he was a little cute. But only a little.

Once they (mostly Babe) started talking, things got a lot less awkward. Eugene didn't say much, only spoke when Babe asked him a question directly or he had a question himself but Babe wasn't particularly concerned with that. Babe liked talking, enjoyed setting up the scenes for the stories that starred ten and eight year old Babe and Bill, and found that he liked it even more when he got Eugene to smile or laugh or (most rarely) respond with his own small anecdote.

Babe wonders if maybe Eugene would ever agree to going out on a real date.

* * *

The next morning when Gene goes out to take his test, he runs into Bill Guarnere, who asks him how his date with Babe went last night. He isn't sure how he's supposed to respond and so he keeps it at a succinct "alright" and mumbles some excuse about his test.

Eugene had not been on a date last night. He only wishes he had.

* * *

When he returns to his dorm an hour later, Babe is sitting by the door doing what looks like extremely complicated calculus.

"Bill finally lock you out?" he asks. Babe looks up, smiling around the pen cap he's got between his teeth when he realizes who it is.

He shakes his head. "Nah, just waitin' for you."

Gene tries not to let that go to his head as he unlocks the door because last night wasn't a date and his heart shouldn't be thrumming like a hummingbird on speed. Babe doesn't even wait for an invitation, just gathers his things and follows Eugene inside, closing the door behind him once he crosses the threshold.

"Did you need something?" Eugene tries to appear casual as he says this and he tries to seem not at all like the twelve year old girl he is inside, all flailing limbs and sweaty palms and fluttering heart. He can only hope he succeeds.

Babe sets his books down on Gene's small oak desk (the one he hardly ever uses because he's always running around to other places). "Actually, yes," he says."I need you to get some coffee with me."

 _Don't think to much into it, it's just coffee, it's just coffee, last night was not a date and neither is this._ "Bill trying to get you to make up for the coffee you didn't bring him last night?" Eugene wills his voice to come out calm and composed and not at all shaky and anxious like he currently feels. He watches as Babe takes a deep breath and hops up to sit on the edge of his desk.

"Actually I was thinkin' as more of a date."

Gene's heart actually almost stops. For a minute he's honestly at least seventy-five percent sure he's going to collapse onto the floor out of shock and end up having to call Renee to fix him up. And perhaps also to piece his dignity back together. If he can find it.

It takes him a moment to realize that Babe is still very much in his room and he's looking at Gene kind of expectantly. It comes to his attention that he might also be staring at Babe with his mouth hanging half open, probably making Babe seriously regret his decision. Gene hopes that Babe never regrets his decision.

When he finally regains the ability to speak he (very brilliantly) says "a date. Like a..." and trails off. He wants to smack himself a little.

Babe lets out a shaky laugh. "A date, Gene. Like a walk-you-home, hold-your-hand, kiss-you-at-the-door date. What do you say?"

"I would say that I am very okay with that." Gene is surprised he can get that out at all.

"Thank God," Babe says, his face splitting into a wide grin. "I don't know if you noticed but I was shaking in my boots just then Eugene. You have no idea." As he hops off the desk and offers Gene his hand so they can begin their walk to the coffee house Gene thinks he probably has at least some idea of what Babe is talking about. When he takes Babe's hand and their fingers twine together he hopes that Babe can't feel the spike in his pulse.

* * *

When they get to the coffee house things are a little interesting. There seems to be much the same problem as last night, where neither of them can figure out what to say and they are both drinking their coffee rather compulsively. Babe, once again, breaks the silence first. He clears his throat.

"So, uh...how are things?"

Gene nods a little as he swallows another sip of his coffee. "Good, good. " Silence falls over the table once more.

Babe removes his hands from where they are curled around his coffee cup and scratches the back of his neck. "Anything happen today?" Gene is torn between laughing and grabbing his hand under the table because bless his soul, he's trying and Gene is aware of how hard it can sometimes be to get himself to talk. He decides to open up now, though, because they are both drowning and they both know it and Eugene really,  _really_ wants this to work. _  
_

"Yeah, actually," he begins. "Had an anatomy test this morning, that's where I was before I saw you sitting in front of my dorm." He shakes his head, downing the rest of his coffee in one long swallow. "Almost forgot how to spell 'carotid.'"

"Hey I don't even know what a carotid is," Babe interjects. "Probably did better than I would have."

Without thinking, Gene reaches out and runs a finger along the side of Babe's neck. "Carotid artery," he says. "S'right here." He feels the muscles of Babe's neck contract as he swallows and realizes that he is absentmindedly stroking the skin there with his thumb, the knuckles of his fingers just brushing the underside of Babe's jaw. Eugene clears his throat and lets his hand drop to the table.

"Learn somethin' new everyday, I guess," Babe says, and now his voice is softer, more relaxed. He is looking at Eugene with something that looks like fondness and admiration and Eugene is pretty sure that if he could see his own face it would look much the same.

Gene's hand is resting on the table, palm facing upward and Babe keeps glancing at it and Eugene kind of wants to smack him/kind of wants to kiss him because honestly they held hands the whole way to the shop but also Babe keeps biting his lip and it is actually very cute, Gene thinks.

"Edward," he says and Babe's gaze snaps back to Gene's face, eyes narrowing before he feels Eugene's hand slide over his where it is curled around his coffee cup.

* * *

Babe skips no part of his "walk-you-home, hold-your-hand, kiss-you-at-the-door" date, and in fact when they reach their dorms and they spend about ten minutes in the hall, stumbling over thank yous and plans to do it again soon, Babe reaches up and plants a kiss right on Eugene's lips. It is soft and fleeting and Eugene wishes it would last longer but then the door to Babe's dorm swings open and Bill walks out and he is kind of glad it didn't continue. As it is, Bill already gives them "The Look" as he walks past them.

"So um..." Babe says once Bill is a safe distance down the hallway. "I'll call you, yeah? We can do something next week?" He looks so eager and hopeful that Eugene kind of wants to hold him right up against the wall and kiss him until the lights in the hall turn out for the night, Bill Guarnere be damned.

But he doesn't. Instead he says yes and gives Babe's hand one quick squeeze before moving to enter his dorm. Once he is inside, he finds himself distracted and he can't quite get in the right mindset to complete the essay he has due tomorrow in his mandatory English class. He kind of wishes Babe was still there, sitting on top of his desk.

He hears a knock on his door and walks over to open it after he turns on his laptop so he can at least attempt writing his paper later. When he pulls the door open, Babe walks inside saying "I forgot my books," and instead of leaving once he has them, he takes them over to Gene's bed and sits there cross-legged on the mattress, books open so he can finish his work. Eugene watches him for a minute until he remembers he has a paper to write, and sits down at his desk to begin typing. He suddenly finds it much easier to concentrate.

* * *

With Babe's phone number now in his contacts, Eugene's phone buzzes at all sorts of odd hours. Sometimes it'll be the words "good morning" or a long-winded story about " _that annoying asshole in the back of my humanities class, I'm gonna choke him one day Gene, I swear_ ," or six straight pictures in a row of different dogs he saw that day.

(Sometimes Babe will text him at two am just to say "I miss you," even though the only thing between them is a wall. Eugene calls him an idiot for this. Babe simply argues that Eugene likes him anyway. He's right.)

When Eugene shows up at Babe's dorm just to talk or because Babe left something next door, Babe will greet him with a small peck to the cheek and tell him to have a seat. If the others are there, they tend to make a big deal out of it like the asshole friends they are and it will end up being the running joke for the next fifteen or so minutes. Eugene finds that he really doesn't care much, not when Babe just rolls his eyes and throws an arm around his shoulders.

* * *

They have been together for about four weeks by the time Eugene notices something. He is working a late night shift at the clinic he interns for and he passes by the table top in the front lobby. On the table top sits a small ceramic bowl and inside that small ceramic bowl are the free condoms they keep to encourage safe sex and to prevent unwanted pregnancies. He freaks out a little bit and debates running right out the door but decides against it because there is only one hour left in his shift anyway and maybe the work will calm him down a bit.

He is still not calm when he returns to his dorm at eleven fifty-three and his hands are shaking as he fumbles with his keys to try and get his door unlocked before Babe can leave his own dorm and see him. Somehow, he manages.

When he's inside of his dorm, the door locked, he heads straight for the bathroom and turns on the tap. After splashing some water on his face he looks at himself in the mirror. Eugene looks like hell and it's no wonder Renee stopped by his station to see if he was okay no less than sixteen times in one hour.

Seeing the free condoms in the bowl had made him freak out a little, and probably more than he thinks he should have. In the full month Eugene and Babe had been dating, they had kissed and laid together on the couch at the student union and fallen asleep on Gene's mattress, but sex had never come up. That shouldn't have bothered him, and it didn't. What does bother him is what happens when he tries to picture it ever coming up.

It had been a month, Eugene had finally gotten the steady relationship he had been hoping for and he was  _finally_ ready to feel normal. Instead, he thought about sex and it didn't make him want to puke and he took it a step further and thought about himself having sex and his gut clenched. But that was nothing new, he reasoned, so he adds Babe into the mix. And he feels worse. Because his stomach is still twisted up in knots and Babe is so perfect and wonderful and Eugene does not ever want to feel that way about anything he is involved in, but he does. He sinks slowly to the tile floor and puts his head between his knees to try and keep from vomiting.

The tinny, generic ringtone of his phone chirps in his pocket, and he knows that it's Babe checking to see how his shift went and wish him a  goodnight, and Eugene doesn't want to answer it, doesn't want to pretend everything is okay when it clearly isn't, but he also doesn't want Babe to think anything is wrong, even though something clearly is. So he pulls the phone out of his pocket and he sends a quick message that says his shift went just fine, but he is a little tired so he'll see Babe tomorrow and he waits for Babe's response.

_Get some sleep you nerd! I'll see you tomorrow :)_

_love you xx_

It is the first time Babe has ever said that and Eugene wants to cry but instead he just sends it back and turns his phone off.

At this moment, Eugene's heart is splitting into hundreds of little pieces. He loves Babe, he really does, can't hardly breathe when he thinks about him, and he thought that that one small fact would fix everything, fix  _him_. But it didn't and here he is, still full of dread, still broken, and still very much not normal.

He knows that he cannot live pretending, knows it before he even fully considers it, because he thinks about doing it anyway, if only for Babe and immediately starts retching. The thought of telling Babe, at the same time, is unbearable because he can't help but think that this, everything they've built up over the past twenty-eight days will end as soon as he tells him. Eugene fears that Babe will look at him in disgust and narrow his eyes and this time it will not be in the cute way that he does when Gene calls him Edward. He worries that Babe will regret having wasted his time on him and will never speak to him again, not even as a friend.

At the same time, however, Eugene knows that he  _has_ to tell him. Because if he doesn't, he'll have to lie to babe and he doesn't want to do that, he  _can't_. He can't pretend that every time he thinks about the two of them in that way his stomach doesn't turn violently and his legs don't threaten to give out beneath him.

Eugene has to say something, and not knowing what will happen afterwards scares the life out of him, but he has to. He falls asleep with his cheek against the cold tile of the bathroom floor.

* * *

The next day he tries to act like nothing is wrong, like he doesn't feel ten seconds away from sobbing every time he catches Babe looking his way and smiling. Eugene can't stand it, feels a sharp, stabbing pain in his chest whenever it happens, because he knows that at some point, it will end. At some point, Babe will only be looking at him with an air of mild politeness until eventually he isn't looking at him at all. 

Eugene can't live like this, with this impending doom looming over him while he waits for the moment that the word will drop and sever their relationship. He figures that no matter what it will end in heartache and at least maybe he can take some sort of comfort in being the one who wields the sword.

He'll tell Babe tonight, he resolves, after the date that Babe has been planning for three days because they had been together for a month and he wanted to celebrate. Eugene had thought it was cute and was very much looking forward to it, if only to see the look on Babe's face, the one he always gets when he's doing something to surprise Gene and he knows Gene will like it. Now, however, Gene just kind of feels like his heart is going to climb right out of his throat.

* * *

Babe drives them because Gene has no idea where they're going and Babe is sort of a disaster when it comes to driving but Eugene doesn't complain this time because he wants to make the most of this night before the time comes when he has to tell Babe. When Babe finally parks, Eugene realizes that they are in front of the small Italian place just off the college campus that Eugene had said was the first place he ever ate when he first moved to Philadelphia. Babe looks at him with that small proud-of-himself smile of his and Eugene leans over the center console to kiss him because he might not get to again once the night is over. He pulls back and gives him a small smile before getting out of the car.

As they both walk into the restaurant, Babe grabs Eugene's hand and Eugene instinctively laces their fingers together, taking care not to hold on too tightly and give away what he's feeling. They are seated quickly and Gene thanks God for small mercies because he did not plan on having to fill up any more silence than was absolutely necessary.

Babe is looking at him across the table, eyes soft and mouth curled up in a small smile, and Eugene wants to scream because less than twenty-four hours ago that look would have made him happy, made him feel calm and safe. Now he is just scared that it is a look he won't have the pleasure of seeing for much longer.

It is a thought that cycles through his mind all through dinner. Every time their fingers brush together, every time Babe steals something off his plate, every time Babe almost smacks someone walking by because he's talking with his hands again. With each small, every day, for the most part insignificant action, Eugene worries that it will be the last time it happens, and he hates it. He just wants the night to be nice, just wants to have fun and go home laughing and fall asleep in front of the TV in the student union because they had stayed up too late talking and simply couldn't keep their eyes open anymore. But his brain won't let him enjoy himself.

Eugene tries to think positively, tries to tell himself that maybe the night will end better than he thinks. Maybe he'll tell Babe and he won't care and Gene will have spent the better part of the day worrying over nothing. As he thinks this, he feels like he's lying to himself. He feels like the only way tonight can possibly end is with Babe's disappointed face and a "thanks but no thanks." The car ride home will be silent and they will go home to their separate dorms and they will routinely avoid each other until, eventually, he will be able to ignore how much it hurts.

And he won't blame Babe when it happens, Gene thinks. He'll want to, but he can't, because Babe deserves to have everything he wants, and if Eugene can't give him this then there's really nothing left that he can do. It kills him, thinking about this, but he knows that when what they have comes to an end, it will be nobody's fault but his.

He realizes that he's speaking in terms of  _when_ and not  _if_ , like the decision has already been made, and makes the switch back to  _if_ to at least give himself some of his sanity back. Speaking as if there are different possible outcomes to this situation does little to ease Gene's mind, but it still does something and makes it so at least he can make it through dinner without having a meltdown in the middle of the restaurant.

Dinner both lasts too long and not long enough and by the time they finally settle the check, Gene is shaking so bad he's afraid to stand up because he thinks that maybe he'll just sink right down to the ground. When he does get up, surprisingly, he doesn't immediately melt into the floor like he feared, which is good but it also makes him think that maybe he shouldn't go through with this. He's not even sure he'll be able to get any words out, not with how dry his mouth feels, and by the time they make it to the front of the restaurant, he has himself halfway convinced that he doesn't need to say anything. But when they walk through the door and Babe steps onto the concrete, trying to find his car, Eugene knows he shouldn't put it off and so he grabs hold of Babe's shoulder and pulls him around to the side of the building.

Eugene isn't even trying to look composed at this point, and his hands are shaking as he runs his fingers through his hair and when he breathes out his breath hitches and he almost chokes on his own exhale. Babe is looking at him, brow furrowed in concern as he asks, "Gene, you okay?" and Eugene would laugh if he wasn't so scared out of his goddamn mind.

"I'm um..." Eugene pauses for a while, doesn't know where to begin and for a moment the only sounds around them are the swinging of the heavy oak doors of the restaurant and the wheels of cars rolling over gravel as they crawl through the parking lot. "Can I tell you something?" He settles on asking first, hopes that Babe will say no so they can just go home and forget it.

But he doesn't, of course he doesn't. "Yeah, Gene. Anything, you know that." And of course Eugene does know that, but he thinks that maybe this is the one thing Babe doesn't  _want_ to hear, Babe just doesn't know it yet.

"So it's--it's occurred to me that I'm, um...I'm not--not quite  _normal_ , I guess? Maybe there's something wrong with me, I don't know, but..." Gene shakes his head, thinks that maybe that isn't the best place to start. Tears prick behind his eyes and he avoids looking at Babe because he knows that if he does they'll spill over.

"We've been together for a month," he tries again. "And I'm--I haven't...I haven't felt about anyone quite like I feel about you. And for a long, long time I didn't know if I'd ever get that, what we have, because I didn't think about...certain things that way that everyone else seemed to. But then I met you. And I thought that it would fix everything. For a while, I had even fooled myself into thinkin' it did."

"Eugene, I--"

"Hold on please?" Gene interrupts. "I'm gettin' there, this is just--it's a little difficult." He waits for Babe to nod before he looks back at the ground, continuing. "When people talk about sex, they make it seem like this big, important thing, the most important thing in the world. And I never thought much of it, could never think of myself in that kind of position without feeling nauseous. Thought maybe it was because I just hadn't found the right person yet."

Eugene looks up at Babe for a minute, gives him a quick smile. "But then I found you. And Babe, I...God, I do love you, you gotta know that, that's why this is so hard. See, I thought that after I met you, everything would fall into place, that I'd be magically fixed, that I could think about these kinds of things without wantin' to throw up and I could finally feel normal. But instead I try to picture it, and you're there and I feel sick to my stomach and I hate that. I hate feeling that way about something you'd be a part of.

"And I'm sorry, I'm so,  _so_ sorry, but...Babe I just can't. I thought that maybe I could pretend, but I can't and I'm sorry."

There is a long pause where Eugene waits for it to happen, waits for the moment where his whole world falls apart before him and he closes his eyes so he doesn't have to watch it happen. He waits to hear the sound of footsteps retreating or Babe's voice telling him goodbye or even the car's engine turning on and Babe driving off without him. Eugene hears none of those things.

Instead, what happens is this:

Gene feels Babe's cold, calloused hands slide up the sides of his neck so he can hold Gene's face between his palms. Slowly, hesitantly, Gene opens his eyes and finds Babe looking at him with a small, sad smile. Before he gets enough time to read into it, Babe pulls him close and winds his arms around his waist. "You're an idiot," Babe whispers into his ear, and yeah, that's not quite what Eugene had been expecting.

"Honestly Eugene, Jesus, I thought you were breaking up with me or you were dyin' or somethin'." He pulls back and Eugene just stares, confused and brow furrowed. "You don't wanna have sex, right? That doesn't really bother me. I like  _you_ , Gene. You're all I need and I'm just glad to have you in any way that I can."

And that...that isn't what Eugene had expected to hear, not at all. He had hoped, fleetingly, but he had never expected it. He gives it a minute to sink in before he allows himself to smile. "Really?"

Babe rolls his eyes. "Yes, you  _nerd_. Really. I love you." He moves to lean forward before he seems to think better of it. "So what's your stance on kisses, then? Do they make you uncomfortable?"

Eugene is so thankful that Babe understands, that he cares enough to ask. "Nah, Babe," he says, "those are just fine."

It does not register in his mind that he actually called him Babe until Babe's eyes widen in shock and Gene thinks he'd probably do a spit take if he had anything to drink on him. "You called me Babe." Eugene shakes his head, opens his mouth to deny it, but Babe stops him before he can. "No, no, no, you did! There's no denying it, Eugene, there were witnesses! You called me Babe. I can't believe it."

"Babe?" The repeated use of his nickname gets babe's attention and shocks him into shutting up. "Just kiss me already, would ya?"

"Sure thing, Gene."

**Author's Note:**

> a few things now that you've read it:
> 
> 1\. I finally broke 5k! I've honestly never done that with a fic that has actually lived past the planning stage so a big ol' pat on the back for me
> 
> 2\. I chose to make eugene ace bc I myself am ace and I can't help but insert some of myself into my faves every time I write and this idea sort of wiggled it's way into my brain and I couldn't get it to leave
> 
> 3\. so while I am ace, I feel like I should write the necessary disclaimer that this does not 100% reflect my own personal asexual narration, but is more of an amalgamation of different narrations I have been told, along with my own experiences
> 
> 4\. (for the most part, however, I tried to write this true to my own feelings bc they are the ones I know best)


End file.
